Creating My Life

Here’s the thing – I’m scared almost all the time. Scared I’m screwing up my kids’ lives, my partner’s life, my life. I’m scared I’m not doing enough. I’m scared I’m doing too much. Scared I’m trying too hard and scared I’m not trying hard enough. Scared I might succeed and scared I might fail. Scared I’ll be criticized. Scared I’ll reach the end of my life with so many regrets. Scared I’m not living up to my potential. Scared because I don’t know what my potential is.

I will be 45 in a month. (Actually, I will be 45 in one month less a day.) In all likelihood, my life is more than half over. I have had some very good times and done some amazing things, but I have definitely fallen short in a lot of areas. I don’t have the house of my dreams. I have never traveled outside of North America. (The last time I was on a plane I was a little kid and we flew from Ontario, Canada to Salt Lake City, Utah to visit my grandparents. I have very few memories of the trip. The vague recollections I do have are of swimming at the beach and swallowing so much salt water I threw up and of slamming my finger in a door and my grandparents buying me those gummie candies shaped like fruit to get me to stop crying.)

I am working on a course and we are to write our 25 year vision. In 25 years I will be one month less a day away from turning 70. I don’t want to coast through those years and be unfulfilled. I want to use my creativity. I want to be excited to wake up and start each day in beautiful surroundings. I want to be fit and healthy and strong. I want to have close friends I see regularly and to have amazing relationships with my grown children and possibly grand children. I want the next 25 years to be filled with remarkable adventures. I want to have created a business I am proud of that provides help, encouragement and inspiration to others, while providing me with a significant income and an outlet for my skills.

What small step can I make each day to move me towards this life?
As I sit and think about this, I realize I talked about this in my previous post. Though my instinct is to hide out and be by myself, I have made an effort. I am reaching out, agreeing to do things when staying home is in my comfort zone. I wanted to spend more time connecting as a family, so I spent the last 2 evenings playing Trivial Pursuit with Liam & Rick. We went to the movies and out for dinner on Saturday. Liam & I walked the dog together on Saturday & Sunday. We paid for and allowed Avery to go on a trip to Punta Cana with a friend (even though it totally freaked me out!) because I want her world to be as rich with possibilities, great memories and culture as possible.

I think the area that I really need to change is my job. I am not contributing like I should be. Like I want to be. But I’m not sure how to change that. I can stop going on social media regularly. I can pick something to do – anything really, and see if that moves me in the direction of my goals. What can I do?
First of all, I can stop avoiding dealing with Design My Planner. I need to make a decision – pull the plug or really try and make something of it. The block that I am having is that it is not functioning exactly as I would like – its not perfect yet and I don’t know how to make it that way. I guess I can contact the designers with my concerns and see what they have to say. Maybe they have some new staff or can offer some insights now that they couldn’t a few months ago.

The person I am continually striving to be is thoughtful, generous, sensitive to others, funny, welcoming, inspiring,

One of my goals for January is to write at least 2 posts a week. It is now Thursday and I have not written anything yet this week. I know that I just need to take action. Reading other people’s posts, scrolling Facebook and Instagram or playing Wordscapes isn’t going to get it done.

Another one of my weird goals is to always have my fingernails looking nice. The Girl and I went on our annual “Post-Christmas Shopping Spree” last week. (A fun day where we go to a city about 45 minutes away and shop the Boxing Week sales for anything we need that we didn’t receive at Christmas, go out for lunch, get manicures, go to Chapters and get a crazy sugary/whipped beverage from Starbucks and browse around. Looking forward to this day also helps Christmas from being anti-climatic.)

Please see my nails in the photo below. Please ignore the fact that I have super-wrinkly, old lady hands. They have always been like this. Even when I was a baby. Ha.
Also, please ignore the cut on my index finger. An injury from my spiralizer (obtained while trying to achieve the combo goal of preparing food ahead of time and eating more whole foods) that I would rather not discuss. Truthfully, despite the fact that they look like Grandma hands, I have always liked them. Slender fingers are the only part of me that has been slender since I was a kid. It’s nice to have some part of me that is naturally thin 🙂

Also, I know how important it is to have a visually interesting blog, so taking a photo of my hand also incorporates the goal of adding more images to my posts. Wow. I am just making crazy progress on my goals today.

Well, almost a year and a half has passed and I’m still in the same place. I still need to lose 25 lbs (possibly more – I’ve stopped using the scale), I’ve launched my website but have not made a dime from it. I still have the same job, which is great, but I have many days were I struggle to find tasks to fill my time and feel productive. My credit card debt is a bit lower, only $2132.03 so that is a slight improvement. (edit – actually, I forgot we owe the kids $1000 each, so I actually owe $4132.03. Darn it.)

I don’t want to be sitting in this place, one year from now, working on the same goals with minimal progress. What do I need to DO to make real changes?

I was really working hard on the Design My Planner site. I had even hired a coach to help me. Something I was not at all comfortable doing – either emotionally or financially, but I knew that I wasn’t making things happen on my own. I needed support, accountability and an expert’s knowledge. I was set up to have a video conference on July 9th when my father died unexpectedly.

That phone call from my mom at 11:18 pm on Saturday, July 7th 2018 is not one I will ever forget. Having to listen to her try and tell me that her husband of over 50 years, my dad, was gone, was so horrible, I still cry every time I think of it.

My dad had just celebrated his 73rd birthday the week before and he and my mother had walked over to my aunt & uncle’s house a few blocks away for a belated birthday dinner. They were walking home and were crossing the road near their home at a crosswalk when my father was struck by an oncoming vehicle and died. 

In the time that has passed since then, it has been discovered that the driver of the vehicle was texting at the time of the collision. The impact was so forceful that my dad was thrown 30 feet and left behind both shoes and a sock. The small measure of comfort I have is that his aorta was severed, so his death would have been immediate. I try so hard not to think of how great his terror would have been the moment he realized he could not get out of the vehicle’s path. And he was so close to being out of the way. One more step and he would be alive. I try not to dwell on that either. I try to focus on the fact that if my mom had been one step behind, neither of my parents would be here, so I need to be grateful for that.

The driver was charged with Dangerous Driving Causing Death. There have been several court dates, but each time has been remanded.

I am not using this as an excuse as to why I did not achieve my goals in 2018. Obviously if I am overweight, in debt with a house that is falling down when I am 44, I was not exactly crushing life before his accident.

My life is amazing in so many other ways though. I have friends I love and cherish. My children surprise, delight and make me so proud every day. I have a witty, intelligent partner who always strives to be the best person he can be. My dog is amazing. Absolutely the best dog ever. I will place bets on this.

But, the point of today’s post is to figure out what I can do to make the things I claim to want actually happen in 2019. Maybe they won’t make me any happier (I really am pretty happy – I’d just like to be this happy in a nicer house, with a firmer body while entertaining more and going on fun trips with friends and family!)

I want to build the confidence in myself that I can do the things I set out to do. I have mentioned before that I’m not really passionate about anything. I don’t have a clear Life Mission. But I think I will spend 2019 making small, incremental changes towards my goal. I’m not going to try and do all the things, all at once. 30+ years of trying that has not given me the consistent, long term gains I am looking for.

So, what do I want and what will I do?

I actually don’t care about achieving a specific weight any more. I have been trying an more intuitive eating approach this year and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that restriction certainly works for me for a while, but it is really not sustainable. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, but had to work out twice a day and portion all my food and diligently keep track of containers. I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life.

One area where I am really noticing an improvement is in categorizing food as good or bad. In the past, when I ate a ‘bad’ food, I would eat more ‘bad’ food with the resolution that I would do better tomorrow. Now, if there is something I want, I can eat a little of it. I don’t feel the need to eat so much of it because I am ‘never’ going to have it again. I can have it whenever I want. This has really been eye-opening. So, I am definitely not going to start of 2019 restricting. I know that just doesn’t work for me. Instead, I am going to make sure that I am including food in my diet:

• At least 5 servings of vegetables daily
• At least 1 serving of fruit daily
• 1 TBSP chia seeds daily
• 1 TBSP flax & 1 TBSP pumpkin seeds (Day 1-14), 1 TSP sesame seeds & 1 TBSP sunflower seeds (Day 15-28)
• At least 1.5 litres of water daily
• Salmon weekly
• Fermented food weekly
• As finances allow, I will add in supplements, vitamins and collagen powder.
• As finances allow, I will use more essential oils.
• Meal plan weekly – have a strategic plan for how I will incorporate the veggies I want into my day. Also makes me feel less stressed and will save me money when I plan with the flyers. I will be able to prep ahead of time and have any crock pot meals ready to go.
• Get rid of 1 item daily
• Clean kitchen sink daily
• Wipe down toilet daily

General Health

• Walk daily
• Exercise daily (gym, yoga, etc.)
• Meditate
• Gratitude
• Affirmation
• Read
• Reach out (text, email, call, get together) How can I help/be of service?
• Write blog 
• Gradually switch to organic, natural make up and skin care products

Monthly – fill out reflections on the previous month and what I want to accomplish/have happen in the upcoming month.

Why don’t I achieve my goals? Why have I been working on the same things for so long? Sometimes it is that I don’t know what to do next, so I browse the Pinterest and Facebook and the Internet in general, like researching the problem will solve it for me.

I need to stop this. Even if I don’t know what the next step is, I need to pick some small thing that seems to be in the right direction and do that.

With my weight I am conflicted because I don’t want to restrict. I need to change my attitude. I am going to start with the steps I outlined above and see what happens.

I seem to be having a hard time accomplishing anything. Things at work are not super busy at the moment, so I have some free time. But I am at work, so I feel guilty if I am doing anything other than work tasks. But I don’t have a lot to do that is pressing, so I need to find stuff to do to fill my time. Which stresses me out. I like to know what I am doing. I like to be productive and busy. I like to have clearly defined projects and I like to know what tasks to do to work on those projects. Since that is not currently the case, I feel like I am wasting a lot of time. Which makes me feel even more guilty. And I get nothing done. It is horrible. So then I think that I should be doing something productive. Anything. And I think, since I’m not getting any Work work done, I should work on my own business. But then I feel guilty, so I am not really productive doing that either. It is a vicious cycle. I don’t know what to do about it. We will be getting busy again soon, and I will have plenty to do to keep me busy. It is just this weird interm time. I am trying to set up systems so that when we get busy again I can be that much more productive, but there is really only so much I can do in that regard. It is kind of driving me a little bit crazy.

So, I am sitting here a work, trying madly to think about what I should be doing with my time, when I start writing a list entitled “What Would Make y Life Better” and I thought, since its lunch time, so I don’t need to feel any guilt about writing a post & the fact that I have not written a post in about a thousand years, I should make my list public.

What Would Make My Life Better:

1. Losing 25 lbs
2. Actually launching the Design My Planner website and making money from it
3. Getting out of debt ($4800 in credit card debt). We still owe on our mortgage.
4. Fixing our house up
5. Travelling more
6. Getting Focused. I am so all over the place. I’m getting nothing done and feeling untethered.

Why This Would Make My Life Better:

1. I would feel more confident, look better, have more energy, feel like I am “more together” – feel like what I say has value and is relevant
2. I would feel great that a product/service I think can be really helpful is actually successful. And if I made money, that would help with…
3. I would not be stressed about wasting money in interest. I could save more for (the items below)…
4. We could have friends over and I would not be embarrassed. We would feel more organized and serene.
5. I have not traveled much, nor have my children. I would love to see other cultures, visit new places, try new things and eat new food.
6. Perhaps I should have started with this one as being focused may help me achieve the other 5 items. Maybe I should try that. What can I focus on to achieve the other 5?

EDIT: It is one month later and I am still feeling the same way. Ugh. Monday is the day I start really focusing on launching Design My Planner. Enough is enough. If not now, then when?

I think if genetic engineers set out to create a middle-of-the-road person as they could, I don’t think they would be able to create someone so absolutely not anything as I am.

Let me explain. I have done lots of personality tests. I am neither left brained nor right brained. I am an INFJ in the Meyers-Briggs world, which though I believe that is the most rare type, it is also that odd mixture of introvert/extrovert tendencies. I did an Enneagram test and almost all of my scores were in the 7s. The only thing I got from that test is that I am not a 9. Whatever that is.

I am a middle child. I dislike conflict. I can always see every side to a story.

I am good at a lot of things, but not great at anything. I like sports, I like to read, I like to paint/draw/design things. I like to watch movies alone and play cards with friends. I like to spend hours day dreaming and I like to get stuff done. I like to be by myself and I like a girls’ night out. I like to look good and I like to not wash my hair for 2 days and not change out of my pajamas.

Yesterday was my birthday. And as I reflected while journaling, I thought, “What if I just stop. What if I stop worrying about my weight, what people think of me, doing things exactly right. What if, for today at least, I just am. I eat when I am hungry and what I feel like eating. What if I listened to my body and my intuition. What if I just stayed in the moment and really listened when people spoke to me instead of thinking about my response, or what they were thinking about me. What if I could just be.

I know this is not a new concept. Wise teachers have been saying it for millennia. I have heard it before. I have thought about it before. But for some reason yesterday it really resonated with me. Maybe its because for most of my life I have been struggling with the same issues. When does it become enough. When do I realize what I’m doing is not working. When do I try something else.

What if I exercise because I am excited that I have a healthy body that can move in impressive ways instead of exercising because I hate my thighs?

What if I eat when my body needs nourishment instead of to distract myself because I am restless or feeling too much?

What if I chose foods that will make me feel good instead of using food as entertainment?

What if, in each moment, I take the time to feel what I am feeling instead of trying to reason my way out of those emotions?

What if, when I am with friends or family, I focus on them, instead of worrying what they are thinking about me?

What if I accept myself instead of judging myself?

What if I just let myself be?

Yesterday was a particularly challenging. I won’t go into the particulars in this post, but suffice it to say that there were multiple issues on several fronts.

But do you know the funny thing? I feel okay. I shed a couple tears at one point, but I let the emotions out and then I moved on.

I’m not sure if it is the meditating that is making a difference, the fact that so much happening on one day makes a kick-ass story, that I’m at the right spot in my cycle (TMI?), that I’m not eating as many carbs, or if my brain has simply not processed everything. But whatever it is, its nice to feel calm and realize that in the grand scheme of things, the complications are not such a big deal.

I’m learning to differentiate between what I can change and what I can’t. I’m learning stay in the moment when I get news regarding information I don’t want to hear, but I can’t change. I am working on not distracting myself with something else, but just feeling the feelings. I’m still not great at that, but I am getting better and its getting easier.

If it is something I can change, then my next step is to problem solve. That is definitely my go-to mode. I am absolutely a problem solver. I hear something and my next thought is always, “Okay. What can we do about that.”

Which brings me to another thought and an issue that I need to work on – trying to solve other people’s problems. Apparently sometimes when people discuss something going on in their life, they are not looking for me to FIX that thing. They are just want to talk. That mentality is a bit foreign to me. I always think everyone thinks like me, but it would seem that is not true.

I’m an INFJ and I’ve read where people with that personality type are so glad to discover there were other people like them. I had almost the exact opposite reaction. What do you mean we only make up like 3% of the population? Everyone else’s mind does not process data like me?

I have missed posting for over a week. I didn’t post at all last week and I missed yesterday. But I am writing today. And I am not going to let the fact that I ruined my streak, that I don’t have a perfect record anymore effect me. Just because I didn’t do something that I wanted to do is no reason to never do it again.

I hate failure. I am so bad at it. I dwell on it. Ruminate. Replay. Chastise myself. So, I don’t do things because I might fail. I know, logically, that this is the biggest failure of all. I know on a rational level that a job done imperfectly is certainly better than a job not done at all, but my irrational part does not accept that. It would rather see a job never begun than done incorrectly. The main problem with that mentality – and I am only beginning to grasp this – is that not starting does not allow for improvement. Its okay to get things wrong. I’ve even heard that is encouraged, because that is how we know where to improve. It gives us a path to getting better.

And another thing I need to continually remind myself, is that so often, it is not about the finished product, but about the process and the journey. The experiences created, the lessons learned.

Take this blog for example. It is not specifically about creating a blog that no one reads. Its about establishing habits, utilizing my creativity regularly, working through my thoughts and feelings, strengthening my intuitive thoughts and improving my writing. All of these are valuable just by trying consistently without letting myself dwell on how much I am getting right.

I am trying everyday to do the things I feel compelled to do, even if I am terrible and it embarrasses me. I am trying to focus on the process and the practice of being in the moment instead of worrying what others are thinking of me for not getting it right or for looking ridiculous.